Andy Kaufman Gets Bitch Slapped By Jerry Lawler On Letterman

We have been Letterman fans since he had his Daytime show in the summer of 1980. Nothing better than watching these early shows when he was still not sure how to handle bad situations.

Really, just watch how this interview gets away from him and how he tried to pull it out. I remember like yesterday sitting on my friends couch when Jerry Lawler picked up Andy Kaufman and did a piledriver on him. Why can’t we get real entertainment like that anymore?? HUH!

Well DUH

Former Beatle Paul McCartney today was ordered to pay nearly $50M to his estranged wife as their bitter divorce battle came to an end. Heather Mills told reporters she was "so, so happy" with the outcome of her fight for a share of the pop legend’s fortune.

Really, she was happy with a 50 million settlement? Golly, who would have thunk it!

 

Bad TV Ideas, Part I

Overheard at a network…

Network Guy #1: I was kind of wanting more of a stalker from afar thing.

Network Guy #2: Pitch it to Melhman as "Argyle Stalkings" another noir sitcom about a stay at home computer programmer dad by day & former girlfriend stalker at night. Starring Patton Oswalt, Drew Carey and/or Andy Richter, four of five precocious smart assed kids and Lisa Kudrow as the impossibly hot mom.

Network Guy #1: I think I understand it, but what is the mom’s motivation?

Network Guy #2: A less kinky Desperate Housewives.

Network Guy #1: I am getting it, make sure she has a "SASS" about her.

Network Guy #2: Sassy and uh-saucy…

Network Guy #1: But as you know, all hot moms on TV have to have some sort of weakness or idiosyncrasy.

Network Guy #2: Mine will be a fanatical collector of Civil War battlefield turf.

Network Guy #1: Maybe have an episode where her Franklin Mint Civil War Chess sets Robert E. Lee gets his hands pulled off?

Network Guy #2: That’s good, I thought for our Emmy submission…. "Who can say where the path through the field leads when mom finds out why she will never complete her collection with that patch of grass from the battle of the Merrimack and Monitor". With special guest star Susan Sarandon as the Secretary of Agriculture.

Network Guy #1: Ohh, I like that, cliffhanger possibilities!! Maybe she decided to try and get Sea Grass and almost drowns but is rescued by special guest star …. Tim Robbins (appearing as Captain Buck Downfellow), obviously this would be the next season starter…

Network Guy #2: Good, ties in well with Mrs. Sarandon, we’ll of course need to have a hot young reality show winner on the show to have a wardrobe malfunction.

Network Guy #1: Yeah, maybe a malfunction with Clay Aikens cod piece?

Network Guy #2: Eeewewwww, I may never eat cocktail weenies again!

Network Guy #1: Guess I took it one too far?

Network Guy #2: It’s ok,, been that kind of day.

Network Guy #1: Clay Aiken is kind of squirrelly.

Network Guy #2: Nuts to you sir.

Network Guy #1: So you got the nuts and I got the cocktail weenie. Hmmm, international spy/thriller/romance/Moonlighting/Remington Steel thingy…

"Nuts in Vienna?"

Network Guy #2: Vienna Nuts! Kind of like Arabian Nights.

Network Guy #1: Pure gold baby! But who to cast in it?

Network Guy #2: Matthew McConaughey( lead, hunk ), Paul Giamatti ( comic relief, acting credibility) Dennis Franz ( gruff superior), Kate Beckinsale (euro-hottie), Stellan Skarsgård & Peter Stormare ( dirty euro badguys) and Mos Def (token).

Network Guy #1: I like it, any ideas for the pilot?
Maybe Matthew McConaughey is out late one night in Vienna looking for a something only a stupid American lout would be looking for(a non scented hooker) and saves the Euro-trash hottie from the bad guys and in the process forms a loose partnership with her while she looks for something to help solve a mystery?? The catch is that she hates his rude-selfish American ways.

Network Guy #2: A morality play on why American rudeness is much more of an affront than Euro rudeness? Of course it would have to be set in the 1930’s but have overtones applicable to today’s world events.

Network Guy #1: Yeah, maybe a pre WWII kind of thing?
Either that or the 70’s and kind of a swinging thing?

Network Guy #2: Watch out don’t want Mike Meyers to sue us.

The Anal Detective

The other day we were watching a Monk on DVR and I paused it to make myself a refreshing Coke product. That is when I noticed that we were watching a very “special” epsiode of Monk. He is the anal retentive detective you know…Mister Monk and the Mystery if the NC-17

Still, kind of scary, not only did this come up as NC-17, but it did not ask me for a password or anything else. Guess the ratings are not what drives that, must be some other value the DVR is using for permissions. Meh, FIOS is buggy anyway.

Pokemon: Diamond & Pearl

First, let’s get a few things out of the way. I like women, I am married, I have a job (not just the glamorous Craptastictv gig), and I do not have any action figure collections. OK, now that we have that out of the way, let me just say this, I do not hate this series.

Pokemon, for those that might read this article the first thing after you have wakened from a 20 year coma, loosely means “Pocket Monsters” in Japanese (ポケットモンスター Poketto Monsutā). The object of the game is to collect the Pokemon, increase their powers and have them battle other Trainer’s Pokemon until you become the strongest Pokemon Trainer, the Pokemon Master.

I really tried to keep my kids away from the whole Pokemon thing for quite a few years. A cynical person might say that the point of Pokemon is to make money. Especially, since there are over 400+ of the little buggers (not Bug Type) and with every fresh installment they add a few more thus forcing the mindless Poke – Automatons to buy more games. To make it worse, each time they release a new Pokemon game they release it in two flavors with a few Pokemons that are unique to each. This is why it is not called Pokemon Diamond, but Diamond AND Pearl (and Pearl is the superior of the two).

Twins!The series now is about Ash, Brock (The Japanese Stewart French) and Dawn as they travel about the Sinnoh Region (don’t ask) exploring. The series is typical Japanese Anime, that is, very crappy animation which is the norm. Seriously, it looks terrible. I do like the style and colors, but the animation is atrocious. Static backgrounds, the people do not move when they talk-other than their mouths. I’m not sure if they even blink.

Another thing that I am so-so on is Team Rocket. They are in pretty much every episode and do something stupid every episode. It gets annoying. Still, I will give them style points for their awesome coifed hair and the clothes that they have. Not to mention they have about the only intelligently SPEAKING Pokemon on the series, Meowth. In addition, they have a Wobbuffet. Which I am so very ashamed to say that I find it to be quite funny and quirky.

That said, I do like this series. At least the ones that I have watched with my kids. I found the stories to be somewhat entertaining, certainly they do show quite a bit of imagination. And when I say imagination, I don’t mean just making up a bunch of odd names for this or silly landmarks like say… “Jay Jay the Jet Plane’s” Sparkleberry Tree, gah! Big Jake run me over please, if I have to watch that show again!

Oh, and I was right about my initial feeling towards it. Every time I watch this show with the kids I feel like going and playing Pokemon Pearl or Pokemon Ruby or Pokemon Battle Revolution…

The A-Team Movie

Director John Singleton said “I don’t know who is in the cast yet…but I do know that the only person I want right now is, that I really, really want is Woody Harrelson to play Murdock – the guy who is crazy but he’s kind of real smart, a jack of all trades. That’s the only person I really, really want.”

In a related story someone fell asleep on the couch.

Silly Monk

Hey, I like Monk and most of the time find it to be a clever show. I
know that sometimes the endings seem a bit contrived and I am fine
with that, as long as they are not to out there.

That said, maybe they are running out of ideas or have a new set of
writers that watched a bit too much Scooby-Doo when they were kids. I
swear, all that was missing was the bad guy saying “I would have
gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for that meddling Monk and his
partner”.

Anyway, this particular episode had perhaps the most idiotic thing I
have ever seen on the series. Some kids were skateboarding and the guy
fell and his board rolled into a parked car hitting the front bumper.
The car happened to have a dead guy in it, well when the captain came
and investigated the crime scene he noticed the scratch and said the
scratch was fresh, “just a few hours old”.

Now I have had idiots scratch and ding my car in the CraptasticTV
headquarters parking garage, but I have never been able to pin the
time so precisely. If the captain had said recently, yeah, I would
have been ok with it, but a few hours? HOW?

Anyway, hopefully this was just an isolated Monk and not the future.

WHY? Please no! The Day The Earth Stood Still remake

WHY WHY WHY would ANYONE try and do a remake of the classic 1951 film
The Day The Earth Stood Still?

Serious why, what next, a remake of The Godfather?

You know there are two types of remakes that should never ever be
done. The first are movies that are so good to begin with it is
pointless to remake it, you will not be able to improve it, at best
the new version will just be passable.

The other type of movie is the one that was a loser to begin with,
Rollerball for instance, the original was nothing great, and gee, the
newer version, not even that.

Anyway, what is the point, when they announced this “project” the
writers were not on strike yet, so why recycle old material?

Jennifer Connelly will play the role of Helen Benson (played by
Patricia Neal in the original. Kathy Bates will also be in the movie,
no word yet on how long or graphic her obligatory nude scene will be.

To top it off, Mister Keanu Reeves will play Klatuu, I had him pegged
for the role as Robot #1. Guess he is being miscast.

The great thing is that you just know they will give the film a modern
spin, after all, not like he original film did not bring up a lot of
questions, but by golly, we can do better. And by better I really mean
make the questions be irrelevant and pointless, much like the film
will be. It is rumored that instead of Klatuu saying “klaatu barata
nikto” he will merely say “whoa”.

Well mark your calendars for this 2008 Crapfest coming to a theater
near you my dear reader!